ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
