ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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