When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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