my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
