Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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