I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
