Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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