I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
