New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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