Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
