remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
