So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
