maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm having to shit out rocks
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
