That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my sisters under your porch take her home
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
