Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my phone needs a breathalizer
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
