Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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