do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
