I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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