The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
