I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
