i was born a porn star she said
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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