Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
