It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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