Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
