Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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