I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
