I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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