i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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