I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
