Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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