we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
