I'm gonna have a badass scar
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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