In the future we'll all be gay
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
