Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
