the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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