I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
