Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
