In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
