did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
