I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
