Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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