I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
