god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
