I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
