I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
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