why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
