Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
