nut hugger
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
