Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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