Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
