my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
