Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
